by: highvoltage-guy - 5th December 2007

  • 5
  • Beginner
  • Intermediate
  • Expert
  • 5All-Mtn. Terrain
  • 5Family Friendly
  • 5Nightlife
  • 5Terrain Park
  • Value

Full review

If you're thinking this might be an inexpensive skiing vacation, then you've probably never seen, heard or read anything about skiing Vail. And you've probably been living in a bubble most of your life. However, if your are a successful investment banker or an L.A.( and I don't mean Lower Alabama) crack dealer, than this place is right up your alley. The most important and critical item needed for any excellent Vail skier (and they are all excellent) is an outfit. First, you'll need a pretty pair of boots. Brand names don't matter, fit doesn't mater either. Color coordination is, by far the most important aspect of skiing well at Vail, Volant skis however is surely a brand name you must have. Although I don't think they're made anymore. I'm sure there are crates of them in a basement there at Vail just waiting to be rented by such an accomplished skier as yourself or anyone who skis Vail on a regular basis. I believe you can get them in either Platinum, High strength tensile steel or Diamonium. I made the last one up 'cause it just sounds expensive. Diamonium. Of course you will need to accessorize your outfit so as not to "stick-out" of the crowd. One that will let you fit in with the other skiers without being noticed so you can perfect your outstanding ski/ballet dance moves to the gaped mouthed amazement of the viewing public while eating their lunches and drinking wine poured from a cardboard box. I know, It's sad. Now, to get back to your outfit. Might I suggest a full body spandex condom in bright green. Complete with a president Bush approved cod piece, and possibly a George Costanza type winter quilted bright red Michelin Man ski jacket. You won't need a hat though because your hair I'm sure is perfectly quaffed and you are far too skilled a skier to ever fall and possibly hurt your noggin'. But for those of you less gifted Vail skiers (I know, there aren't many of those) who may want to protect your melon. Please, please get the two hundred miles per hour helmet. You know the one I'm talking about. It's the one that's sweeping the nation. It has flames on it of course and is shaped like the helmet that was worn in Disney's' "Tron". Like a gigantic banana split bowl turned upside down. You are almost ready to go boy! One last item and you're complete. The sunglasses. Not goggles, Sunglasses. You won't need goggles that protect that beautiful, handsome,sexy-bitch face of yours from the cold,wind, blowing snow or fog. You need the Ray-Bans darling! All you need now is to make sure your cell phone is turned on and at the ready in a moments notice. If by some unfortunate circumstance it doesn't work. There are about five thousands other skiers right next to you who are already talking on theirs' while they are actually skiing. They are so talented. Lastly, you'll need a trail map so you won't get lost on those incredibly long runs and back bowls you will undoubtedly be skiing once you've gotten off one of those fifteen to twenty minute lift rides you'll be taking all day long. You won't need to go to the ticket window for a map either. There laying all around in the snow. They're everywhere, right next to the cigarette butts. So if you see a staff member, and you will. They outnumber the patrons here three to one, remember to thank them for such a clever plan of map placement. Now ski like you've never skied before. And remember, you're at Vail baby! No one is better than a Vail skier. Whether on the slopes or in the bar-
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