It's that time of the year when you head to your vacation at a ski resort and enter the foreign language of winter sports. At most North American ski resorts almost everyone speaks English and yet they are hardly doing what Webster defines as communicating.

Some examples:

Two Snowboarders. "It was like it was really awesome man. It was like that dude was trying to go backside when, like that freaky old guy on a pair of sleds, like cut him off and he had to do, like a knee slide spinner. Man it's like them old dudes are all like Bummers man."

Private Ski Instructor. "That was without a doubt the most beautiful turn I have ever seen executed by one of my pupils in the many years I have been teaching. Your arms were in exactly the right position. Hands clenched firmly around your poles. Your knees were bent just the right amount to give a good drape to your powder snow outfit. Your shoulders were hunched just enough to give you an overall semblance of speed.

"Your just right body position was bent at the waist to match the perfect 12 percent from the vertical plane, so the exaggerated side cut of your shaped skis worked exactly right throughout the entire arc of your well executed turn.

"Now, if you would like a few more days of private lessons I can probably elevate your level of skiing excellence to where you might just possibly win a bronze Nastar Medal in your category."

Ski Shop Sales Person: "The side cut of this imported beauty is made entirely of carbon fibers and stainless steel and is 18 millimeters more extreme than last month's model. That one, as you probably know, allowed the manufacturer to put 3 percent more torsional rigidity in the fore-body of the ski in this, their new cruising model. On top of that, I think the new cosmetics would look great with your new powder snow suit I just sold you."

Weather Reporter:  "When we factor the adiabatic lapse rate into the ascending jet stream as it flows over the Continental Divide, we will have 19 percent of the moisture contained in it condensed around the smog molecules that were acquired as the air mass passed over Los Angeles. All of these interlocked variables will let us maybe see as much as an inch and a quarter of sparkling white wind driven snow by a week from next Saturday. Then again, maybe we won't."   

Ski Boot Sales Person: "This model is made of elasticized polymer. It has been combined with approximately 14 percent catalyzed fiberglass and put in an oven at 167 degrees Fahrenheit with a three percent humidity factor. It strategically superimposes its mass around your ankle bones to give you 19 percent more lateral stability when you are skiing in densely wooded areas with a light intensity of f4.5. As you already know, this is on top of longitudinally highly flexible, yet stiff laterally, semi-soft polymer foot beds. This model will also let you walk back and forth from the bus to the ski lift with more comfort."

Fur Coat Sales Person:  "With each fur coat we sell, we furnish a Certificate of Suicide for each animal that gave their life to make the creation of this beautiful coat, something that your husband just can't live without while he is watching you walk into the restaurant."

Snowboard Clothing Sales Person: "With this outfit I just acquired below wholesale from a costume company, you will be able to cover up that beautiful 36-24-36 body so you can look like a sack of trash on the way to the dump. With each new outfit, you get a free dictionary of all of the current Snowboard language and what the words really mean."

Ski Resort Marketing Director: "When we go into that foreign market and maximize our financial penetration with a print blitz, coupled with a saturation TV and radio buy, we will, in all probability, acquire a share of the market away from the other resorts in our same geographic marketing area.

"Of course, we will have our message translated into the proper local idiomatic expressions that will add about five percent to our overall marketing budget. If we don't translate our sales pitch, those potential customers might get the wrong message and think that someone can offer better skiing than we can."

Ski Binding Rep: "This new model with the interior adjustable sensing cam operated release mechanism, and the automatically adjusting sole thickness tectonic plate, will let you get in and out of your skis more easily.

"This allows you to have that extra cup of coffee without ever bending over to release your boots. I have been told that a leading manufacturer of aircraft is going to replace all of their seat belt buckles with this revolutionary new model binding of ours. It opens and closes so quickly that the Archer Daniel Midland Company is marketing it in the farm-belt as a rat-trap.

"Now just step over here and our cashier will find out if you have enough float left on your credit card to buy an airplane ticket to your favorite ski resort from our ski shop travel agency." 

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(Copyright, 2009:

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